Surviving a Breakup Without Alcohol

Breakups are the worst.

Unfortunately for many of us, they are also part of the human experience. Unless you’re lucky enough to marry your first love and live happily ever after, chances are you have been through a breakup.

Even when splitting from a romantic partner is what you want, it still cuts like a knife. Regardless of the nature of the breakup, you will likely cycle through phases of extreme sadness, anger, guilt, bargaining, denial, and acceptance.. and then, just when you think you’re starting to *finally* get over them, the cycle starts all over again. It’s fucking brutal, and it can make you feel (and act) temporarily insane. To make it worse, the timeline of your suffering is unknown, even to you. 

You may feel like someone died, and that’s understandable. It is common to experience grief as you mourn the loss of your partner, the relationship, and in some cases, a future you were counting on sharing with them. Ouch.

As a 37 year old single lady, I’ve had my share of breakups. However, there is one very notable difference between the breakup I went through this year, and all the others: I had quit drinking alcohol six months prior. 

That means ALL my previous breakups happened when I was a drinker. If my heart was breaking, you better believe the wine was flowing. 

But can you blame me? Using alcohol to cope with a broken heart is SO prevalent in our culture, it’s practically encouraged. This narrative is presented over and over in movies, tv, music and now of course, on social media. 

In one of my favorite comedies, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, the main character Peter uses alcohol (in excess) to cope with getting cheated on and dumped by his girlfriend. He’s drunk for at least the first half of the movie, and it’s pretty hilarious (albeit problematic.) 

In Sex & The City The Movie, Carrie gets stood up on her wedding day by the love of her life, Mr. Big. In the following scene, her best friend empathetically refills her glass with vodka, neat. Carrie says “I feel nothing. I’d like more nothing, please.” It’s a moment and line that has a lot of impact. Who wouldn’t prefer to feel nothing over feeling blindsided and heartbroken on their wedding day?

I mention these two films in particular because I saw them in my early twenties. These were the early days of my drinking “career,” when I was still in the honeymoon phase with alcohol. There is no doubt my subconscious picked up on the messaging: it’s normal to drink (even in excess) when you’re going through a breakup, or even “drinking in these situations is helpful.”

But here’s the truth: when you drink as a coping mechanism, all you’re doing is delaying your misery, while adding interest.

You cannot actually escape your pain with alcohol, you can only postpone it. But at some point, you will sober up and you are going to have to process your emotions then. You’ll also have to deal with any regrettable decisions you may have made while under the influence (like calling your ex, or worse, sleeping with them) …plus your brain chemistry will be (temporarily) completely messed up by alcohol.

Alcohol can turn an already awful situation into one that becomes so catastrophic, you feel like you’ll never recover from it. Friend, save yourself so much additional grief by putting down the wine glass.

Here are my best tips for going through a breakup sober. Truthfully, it’s still going to suck, but I hope reading this will make it suck a little less. By the way, I am so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there!

#1 Don’t Drink

Before you get annoyed by this piece of advice, hear me out. 

I have had two slips* since I made the decision to quit drinking in March of 2024. The first time I slipped, I was two months sober.

I was still doing therapy at the time. I asked my therapist what I should do next time I get so upset that I am triggered to drink. I was expecting her to say something profound, or give me some secret sobriety hack that would change my world. 

Her response surprised me. She simply said, “Don’t drink.” 

Interestingly, this is the best advice she could have given me. Because unlike some long drawn out metaphor or sobriety hack, those two words have really stuck with me. How simple and amazing is that? Just, don’t drink. 

Now I keep this mantra in the back of my mind at all times. Shitty day? Don’t drink. Tired and cranky? Don’t drink. Celebrating something? Don’t drink. Nervous before a date? Don’t drink. This can apply to everything, and is all that needs to be remembered, once you have made the decision to live alcohol-free. 

Here’s the thing. You will inevitably be mentally, emotionally, and even physically compromised during the days, weeks and maybe even months after your breakup. When you aren’t thinking straight, you will be prone to make bad decisions. 

Hang on to your “don’t drink” mindset firmly, and you will have a better chance of succeeding. 

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Managing Urges

If you have used alcohol as a coping mechanism in the past during breakups or other challenging times, it’s inevitable your brain will resort to its comfort zone, however unhelpful that may be. 

Don’t dwell on or even entertain the idea of drinking. Don’t play the “just one” mind game, you aren’t fooling anyone. If you have the thought “alcohol would make this better,” (that’s an urge), allow it, then let it pass. I have even found it helpful at times to talk to my urges. For example, I’ll say “You are just an urge. You can hang out, but we aren’t drinking today.”

Allowing urges is a much more pleasant experience than trying to suppress them, wrestle them out of your mind (it doesn’t work) or prevent yourself from having them in the first place. Urges are just thoughts. You do not have to act on every thought you have; in fact you shouldn’t. The great news is, once you stop drinking, after a while, they go away all together. 

‘Don’t Drink’ can also be used as an affirmation. Affirmations are most effective when said in first person, present tense. “I don’t drink.” Say it out loud throughout the day, or write a note to yourself that says, “No matter what happens today, I do not drink.”

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If your breakup gets the best of you and you do drink, here’s what to do.

You drank. Now what?

First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up. Try not to panic, just stop drinking. While the situation is less than ideal, it’s probably not the end of the world. Have a glass of water, and take a few breaths.

I know this is especially painful if you had a long period of sobriety under your belt and broke your sober streak. Try not to focus on that right now. You may find it helpful to remind yourself that statistically, most people who ultimately recover have at least one relapse. (I am not giving you permission to relapse, and I certainly do not encourage it, I’m just providing info.)

If you quit drinking before, you can absolutely do it again. Baby steps. Get rid of any alcohol you have, that means pour it down the drain if it’s in your home. 

The longer the slip lasts, the longer it will take before you to feel okay again. I know that stopping can be hard once you’ve started, especially when you’re using alcohol as a coping mechanism, but you must cut yourself off. End the slip/relapse now and move on.

Shout out to my Mom for saying pretty much these exact words to me the last time I drank. Thank you, I love you.

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#2 Be Kind to Yourself

Going through a breakup is bad enough without beating yourself up. There’s no need to add insult to injury! 

Whether you ended the relationship or your former partner did, this is not a time to berate yourself with ‘what if’s’ or ‘should have’s.’ Acceptance (as hard as it may be) and self-love will much better serve you during this painful time. 

It’s normal to have regrets, but ruminating is seriously unhelpful when it comes to moving on and healing.

If you find yourself self-criticizing, remember that not every thought that comes into your mind is true. See if you can identify your own unhelpful thoughts as they occur, and then change them to more helpful ones. 

For example, if your mind keeps going back to the thought, “he cheated on me because I am not attractive,” consider changing it to, “he cheated on me because of his own insecurities and commitment issues. His actions are not my fault.”

The more love you show yourself during this time, the faster you will start to feel like yourself again. The pain of a breakup never lasts forever; time heals all wounds.

Use positive affirmations to hype yourself up. Here are some nice ones to try: “I am enough. I am loved and lovable. I am worthy of happiness and joy.” 

If that doesn’t make you feel better, it might be time to remind yourself that “MY FOREVER PERSON WOULD NEVER DO THIS!” ;)

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#3 Feel Your Feelings

Even when breaking up is what you want, it still hurts like hell. Regardless of who dumped who, you will likely cycle through phases of extreme sadness, anger, guilt, denial, bargaining, acceptance or even relief.. and then, when you think you’ve moved on, the cycle may start all over again. Healing from a breakup (like quitting drinking) is not usually linear.

Trying to suppress or avoid your feelings—whether by distracting, numbing, using a substance like alcohol or food, shopping, having a rebound, or any other method—is highly problematic.

Why? Because while these things can serve as a temporary distraction, all you’re actually doing is postponing your suffering and creating unhealthy habits (or worse, new addictions) in the meantime. Eventually, you will be faced with your feelings once again. Better to just suck it up and deal with them in the first place so you can heal and move on, am I right?

I spent most of my adult life believing that my own feelings were too intense, and that I truly couldn’t handle them. Strange, huh? I don’t know where I learned this or why I believed it, but it absolutely contributed to my former drinking problem.

Feelings may be unpleasant, but they cannot hurt you, just like thoughts can’t hurt you. Our emotions make us human. Feelings are not a problem to be solved with a drink. And they are always fleeting, even the super intense ones.

Crying is not only a natural response, it’s actually good for you. Researchers have established that crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals help ease both physical and emotional pain. You will immediately feel a sense of relief after a good cry. Nowadays I welcome a good sob fest.

You may find yourself feeling more angry than sad. Peronsonally I much prefer the angry phase over the sad phase, and I believe this is common. Anger gives us energy! Just make sure to channel the energy towards something positive, rather than using it as fuel to do something regrettable (like rage texting your ex, or worse.)

Positive like what? Get stuff done! Take a workout class or go for a run. Lift weights. Dance and sing like nobody’s watching. Rage clean your house, organize a closet, or do some yard work. Add some upbeat music (I highly recommend Beyonce’s Lemonade album or anything by Ariana Grande in particular) and you’ll really be cooking with gas.

Try not to judge your feelings. This is important! Earlier in this post I explained how you can allow urges instead of resisting them. This strategy can also be applied to whatever negative emotion you may be experiencing. You can have a feeling without acting on it or letting it control you. Allow whatever feelings arise, but try not to judge yourself for experiencing them. When we judge our feelings, we experience shame and guilt around them. Once again, no need to add insult to injury!

#4 Lean Into Your Support System

If you’re like me, it can be very tempting to isolate during tough times. But this is actually one of the worst things you can do. It’s hard enough losing a partner, you don’t need to go through your breakup alone. Also, isolating yourself can also make it tempting to drink, especially if you feel like nobody will notice. Don’t go there! You deserve better, babe.

Your support system must be made up of empathetic people who you trust deeply. This could be a family member, friend, coach, therapist, co-worker, or even a friendly neighbor. If your sister tends to be critical or is a believer in “tough love,” she is probably not be the best person for this specific role. And that’s okay! Be intentional with who you ask for support.

Ideally, your support system will be made up of more than one person because let’s face it... someone going through a breakup can be a bit self-focused, repetitive and looney-acting—which of course is completely understandable given the circumstances. But it’s preferable to spread the task of supporting you around a bit, if you are able.

Hear me loud and clear: you cannot expect people to read your mind or pick up on subtle hints you drop on social media. Everyone is busy with their own life! You are going to have to reach out to your people and let them know what you are going through. This is the only way to ensure you will get the support you need during this challenging time. Ask them kindly to check on you regularly, and make them promise to call you from time to time.

There’s no need to push yourself to your limit, but staying home alone all the time is no good either. Invite one or two people over for tea. Make plans to have a casual lunch or coffee with a friend. If people aren’t available, take yourself to Target or HomeGoods. Just getting out of the house can be huge, and spending time with friends during a breakup can be therapy. The more you can laugh, the better!!

Reach out to your support system especially when you don’t feel like it. I have never gotten off the phone with my mom or a close friend and felt worse than I did before I picked up the phone, even if I really didn’t feel like making (or taking) their call.

If you don’t have family members or friends who you can count on for support, I highly recommend working with a certified coach or a licensed therapist. I found my therapist through betterhelp.com.

# 5 Hydrate

If you took my advice on #3 and you are allowing yourself to feel your feelings, great job! Doesn’t it feel cathartic?

Feeling your emotions fully means it’s inevitable that you will cry, a lot. (If you’re being angry-productive, you’ll sweat too!) I do not recommend trying to suppress your tears—unless you are somewhere like work where bawling is not appropriate. But if you are alone, let it all out! 

But be aware that crying is very dehydrating. And THIRST can be a strong trigger to drink alcohol. Have you had this experience? I used to notice I would occasionally start craving a cold beer or glass of wine the size of my head at the end of a long work day, only to realize I had barely drank any water throughout the day. It’s a thing!

As smart as we may be, our brains are still very primitive in many ways. Your lower brain doesn’t know the difference between a spicy margarita and a fruit punch gatorade in the sense that one is actually hydrating and the other is super dehydrating. 

Get ahead of the problem! Drink lots of water, try adding a little bit of salt for electrolytes. I personally can’t swallow Pedialite (yuck!) but some people swear by it for hydration. I am a Gatorade or Vitamin Water girlie myself in these situations. And of course, plain old water will work just fine.

*Bonus Exercise: Make 2 Lists

I found it incredibly helpful during my last breakup to make two written lists, with the intention of referring back to them any time I started questioning my decision to leave my ex. Questioning the breakup is normal by the way, it’s part of the bargaining/denial phase!

List #1 - Reasons for the breakup. If you ended the relationship, write down why you made that choice. If your partner ended things, you can write down that. “They don’t want to be with me,” or “They hurt me.”

I titled my list, “Reasons why [ex’s name] is not my person.” It’s a list of everything I dislike about his personality. In moments where I (mistakenly) thought I missed him or felt lonely, referring back to list #1 was a helpful wake up call.

List #2 - Positive qualities that are non-negotiable in your future/forever partner. I love this exercise! Creating this list shortly after a relationship ends is ideal, because your ex’s shortcomings will be fresh in your mind. More importantly, your answers won’t be influenced by someone hot you just met, who’s actually a walking red flag. If you are going to do this exercise, do it before you start dating (or swiping) again!

Simply list all the qualities you desire/require in your next or forever partner. These should be characteristics of their personality, not their looks. When you eventually begin dating again (if you chose to), you can refer back to the list as you are selecting potential matches. Then when meet or go out with someone and it’s clear that they do not possess one of your non-negotiable personality traits, you can tell them (kindly please) that you aren’t interested in continuing. Why waste either of your time if they aren’t the type of person you truly want to be with?

List #2 will help you stay on track with your relationship goals and prevent you from making poor decisions based on physical attraction alone.

Extra bonus exercise: Read this book.

It’s truly fabulous and completely changed my perspective on dating and relationships. Best thing I could have read post-breakup.

Conclusion

As I finish writing this blog post, I am overcome with emotion. It just dawned on I broke a 15 year pattern this year, of drinking to suppress, numb and escape my emotions… and instead used the above strategies to get through my breakup.

That is incredible progress, and I believe that if I can do it, so can you.

If you found this blog post helpful, make sure to sign up for my email list.

Rooting for you always,

Gretchen

Slip vs. Relapse

*I prefer the word ‘slip’ over ‘relapse’ because I was a gray area drinker. I do not self-identify as an alcoholic, although I clearly fell somewhere on the spectrum of Alcohol Use Disorder. I use the words slip and relapse interchangeably throughout this blog post.

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