How to Cope with Loss and Grief when you're Alcohol-Free

Losing someone you love is earth shattering.

Unfortunately, death and grief are part of the human experience.

My dog, Lady passed away in November of 2024. She was my companion and sweet soulmate for my entire adult life. I adopted her in college and she was with me for 15 years, until shortly after my 37th birthday. I didn’t know a version of my life that didn’t include her.

Lady lived a long, adventurous life - for which I am so grateful. I mentally prepared for her death as much as I could. And yet it still shook me to my core when it happened, and hurt more than I ever could have imagined. The loss and the grief are part of who I am now; there is just no avoiding it. Grief is love with no place to go. Fortunately, it becomes more manageable with time.

When someone you love dies, you will likely cycle through phases of extreme sadness, anger, guilt, bargaining, denial, and acceptance.. and then, just when you think you’re starting to feel okay, the cycle starts all over again. It’s brutal, and it can make you feel (and act) temporarily insane. To make it worse, the timeline of your suffering is unknown, even to you. 

Since college, I used alcohol as a coping mechanism. A fight with a boyfriend, a breakup, getting fired.. these were times when my alcohol use disorder flared up the most. But after about 5 years of working on my relationship with alcohol, and 2 years working with an alcohol-free coach, I took a leap of faith and quit drinking in March of 2024. This was the best decision of my life, and something I am grateful for every single day.

Therefore I knew that no matter how dark things got, I could not drink when Lady died, or in the difficult and emotional days, weeks and months afterwards. I didn’t come this far on my alcohol-free journey to only come this far. Plus my new career as an alcohol-free life coach depends on it.

And here’s the truth: when you drink as a coping mechanism, all you’re doing is delaying your misery, while adding interest.

You cannot actually escape your pain with alcohol, you can only postpone it. But at some point, you will sober up and you are going to have to process your emotions then. You’ll also have to deal with any regrettable decisions you may have made while under the influence …plus your brain chemistry will be (temporarily) completely messed up by alcohol.

Alcohol can turn an already awful situation into one that becomes so catastrophic, you feel like you’ll never recover from it. Friend, save yourself so much additional grief by putting down the wine glass.

Here are my best tips for going through a loss without alcohol. Truthfully, it’s going to be really hard, but I hope reading this will help you in some way. I am so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there! It gets better, it just takes time.

#1 Don’t Drink

Before you get annoyed by this piece of advice, hear me out. 

I have had two slips* since I made the decision to quit drinking in March of 2024. The first time I slipped, I was two months sober.

I was still working with my coach at the time. I asked her what I should do next time I get so upset that I am triggered to drink. I was expecting her to say something profound, or give me some secret sobriety hack that would change my world. 

Her response surprised me. She simply said, “Don’t drink.” 

Interestingly, this is the best advice she could have given me. How simple and amazing is that? Just, don’t drink. 

Now I keep this mantra in the back of my mind at all times. Shitty day? Don’t drink. Tired and cranky? Don’t drink. Celebrating something? Don’t drink. Nervous before a date? Don’t drink. This can apply to everything, and is all that needs to be remembered, once you have made the decision to live alcohol-free. 

Here’s the thing. You will inevitably be mentally, emotionally, and even physically compromised during the days, weeks and months after the passing of a loved one. When you aren’t thinking straight, you will be prone to make unhelpful decisions. 

Hang on to your “don’t drink” mindset firmly, and you will have a better chance of succeeding. 

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Managing Urges

If you have used alcohol as a coping mechanism in the past during challenging times, it’s inevitable your brain will resort to its comfort zone, however unhelpful that may be. 

Don’t dwell on or even entertain the idea of drinking. Don’t play the “just one” mind game, you aren’t fooling anyone. If you have the thought “alcohol would make this better,” (that’s an urge), allow it, then let it pass. I have even found it helpful at times to talk to my urges. For example, I’ll say “You are just an urge. You can hang out, but we aren’t drinking today.”

Allowing urges is a much more pleasant experience than trying to suppress them, wrestle them out of your mind (it doesn’t work) or prevent yourself from having them in the first place. Urges are just thoughts. You do not have to act on every thought you have; in fact you shouldn’t. The great news is, once you stop drinking, after a while, they go away all together. 

‘Don’t Drink’ can also be used as an affirmation. Affirmations are most effective when said in first person, present tense. “I don’t drink.” Say it out loud throughout the day, or write a note to yourself that says, “No matter what happens today, I do not drink.”

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If your grief gets the best of you and you do drink, here’s what to do.

You drank. Now what?

First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up. Try not to panic, just stop drinking. While the situation is less than ideal, it’s probably not the end of the world. Have a glass of water, and take a few breaths.

I know this is especially painful if you had a long period of sobriety under your belt and broke your sober streak. Try not to focus on that right now. You may find it helpful to remind yourself that statistically, most people who ultimately recover have at least one slip. (I am not giving you permission to slip, and I certainly do not encourage it, I’m just providing info.)

If you quit drinking before, you can absolutely do it again. Baby steps. Get rid of any alcohol you have, that means pour it down the drain if it’s in your home. 

The longer the slip lasts, the longer it will take before you to feel okay again. I know that stopping can be hard once you’ve started, especially when you’re using alcohol as a coping mechanism, but you must cut yourself off. End the slip now and move on.

Shout out to my Mom for saying pretty much these exact words to me the last time I drank. Thank you, I love you.

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#2 Be Kind to Yourself

Grief is devastating enough without beating yourself up. There’s no need to add insult to injury! 

It’s normal to have regrets, but ruminating is seriously unhelpful when it comes to moving on and healing. This is not the time to berate yourself with ‘what if’s’ or ‘should have’s.’ Acceptance (as hard as it may be) and self-love will much better serve you during this painful time. 

If you find yourself self-criticizing, remember that not every thought that comes into your mind is true. See if you can identify your own unhelpful thoughts as they occur, and then change them to more helpful ones. 

The more love you show yourself during this time, the faster you will start to feel like yourself again. The pain of losing a loved one never leaves us, but it does become manageable.

Use positive affirmations to reframe your negative thoughts. Here are some to try:

“I allow my feelings without judgment”

"I allow myself to feel my grief and then let go" 

"I am patient with my healing process" 

"I trust in the healing process and remain confident" 

"I give myself time and space to grieve" 

"I appreciate how much love and positivity my loved one brought to this world" 

"I forgive anyone close to me who has died" 

"I accept what I cannot change and find the courage to change the things I can" 

"Grief is a call for me to wake up and live, and love, even more”

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#3 Feel Your Feelings

An important thing to keep in mind is that healing from a loss (similar to quitting drinking) is not usually linear.

Trying to suppress or avoid your feelings—whether by distracting, numbing, using a substance like alcohol or food, shopping, having a rebound, or any other method—is highly problematic.

Why? Because while these things can serve as a temporary distraction, all you’re actually doing is postponing your suffering and creating unhealthy habits (or worse, new addictions) in the meantime. Eventually, you will be faced with your feelings once again. Better to just confront them head on in the first place so you can heal and move on, as hard as it may be.

I spent most of my adult life believing that my own feelings were too intense, and that I truly couldn’t handle them. Strange, huh? I don’t know where I learned this or why I believed it, but it absolutely contributed to my former drinking problem.

Feelings can be extremely unpleasant, but they cannot hurt you, just like thoughts can’t hurt you. Our emotions make us human. Feelings are not a problem to be solved with a drink. And they are always fleeting, even the most intense ones.

Crying is not only a natural response, it’s actually good for you. Researchers have established that crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals help ease both physical and emotional pain. You will immediately feel a sense of relief after a good cry. Nowadays I welcome a good sob.

You may find yourself feeling more angry than sad. Personally I much prefer the angry phase over the sad phase, and I believe this is common. Anger gives us energy! Just make sure to channel the energy towards something positive, rather than using it as fuel to do something regrettable.

Positive like what? Get stuff done! Take a workout class or go for a run. Lift weights. Dance and sing like nobody’s watching. Rage clean your house, organize a closet, or do some yard work. Add some upbeat music (I highly recommend Beyonce’s Lemonade album or anything by Ariana Grande) and you’ll really be cooking with gas.

Try not to judge your feelings. This is important! Earlier in this post I explained how you can allow urges instead of resisting them. This strategy can also be applied to whatever negative emotion you may be experiencing. You can have a feeling without acting on it or letting it control you. Allow whatever feelings arise, but try not to judge yourself for experiencing them. When we judge our feelings, we experience shame and guilt around them. Once again, no need to add insult to injury!

#4 Lean Into Your Support System

If you’re like me, it can be very tempting to isolate during tough times. But this is actually one of the worst things you can do. It’s hard enough losing a loved one, you don’t need to go through your grief alone. Also, isolating yourself can also make it tempting to drink, especially if you feel like nobody will notice. Don’t go there! You deserve better, babe.

Your support system must be made up of empathetic people who you trust deeply. This could be a family member, friend, life coach, therapist, co-worker, or even a friendly neighbor. If your sister tends to be critical or is a believer in “tough love,” she is probably not be the best person for this specific role. And that’s okay! Be intentional with who you ask for support.

Ideally, your support system will be made up of more than one person because let’s face it... our grief can be difficult for our loved ones to understand or relate to, no matter how empathetic they are. It’s preferable to spread the task of supporting you around a bit, if you are able.

Hear me loud and clear: you cannot expect people to read your mind or pick up on subtle hints you drop on social media. Everyone is busy with their own life! You are going to have to reach out to your people and let them know what you are going through. This is the only way to ensure you will get the support you need during this challenging time. Ask them kindly to check on you regularly, and make them promise to call you from time to time.

There’s no need to push yourself to your limit, but staying home alone all the time is no good either. Invite one or two people over for tea. Make plans to have a casual lunch or coffee with a friend. If people aren’t available, take yourself to Target or HomeGoods. Just getting out of the house can be huge, and spending time with friends can be therapy. As impossible as it sounds, the more you can laugh, the better!

Reach out to your support system especially when you don’t feel like it. I have never gotten off the phone with my mom or a close friend and felt worse than I did before I picked up the phone, even if I really didn’t feel like making (or picking up) their call.

If you don’t have family members or friends who you can count on for support, I highly recommend working with a certified coach like myself, or a licensed therapist.

# 5 Hydrate

If you took my advice on #3 and you are allowing yourself to feel your feelings and cry, I’m proud of you. Don’t you feel a little better afterwards?

Feeling your emotions fully means it’s inevitable that you will cry, a lot. (If you’re being angry-productive, you’ll sweat too!) I do not recommend trying to suppress your tears—unless you are somewhere like work where bawling is not appropriate. But if you are alone, let it all out! 

But be aware that crying is very dehydrating. And THIRST can be a strong trigger to drink alcohol. Have you had this experience? I used to notice I would occasionally start craving a cold beer or glass of wine the size of my head at the end of a long work day, only to realize I had barely drank any water throughout the day. It’s a thing!

As smart as we may be, our brains are still very primitive in many ways. Your lower brain doesn’t know the difference between a spicy margarita and a fruit punch gatorade in the sense that one is actually hydrating and the other is super dehydrating. 

Get ahead of the problem! Drink lots of water, try adding a little bit of salt for electrolytes. I personally can’t swallow Pedialite but some people swear by it for hydration. I prefer sugar-free Gatorade or Vitamin Water in these situations. And of course, filtered water will also work just fine.

For extra support: Read this super helpful and beautifully written book.

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Rooting for you always,

Gretchen

In loving memory of Lady Kamp. You will be running your figure 8’s in my mind for the rest of my life, sweet girl.

Slip vs. Relapse

*I prefer the word ‘slip’ over ‘relapse’ because I was a gray area drinker. I do not self-identify as an alcoholic, although I clearly fell somewhere on the spectrum of Alcohol Use Disorder.